No Pomp Nor Circumstance

A meditation on


Romans 8:38-39


as pages turn in God's unfolding story


For I am convinced


I have pondered these things, and I stand resolved (on humbled knees)


I believe 


that neither death


all the scary things that could possibly happen but haven't yet


nor life,


all the experiences and interactions that happen every moment


neither angels nor demons,


all the good and evil intentions hidden in plain sight


neither the present


these people and priorities we currently choose


nor the future,


these decisions and dreams we currently pursue


nor any powers,  


anything or anyone that has influence over these choices and pursuits 


neither height


the thrilling victories and soaring accomplishments


the thriving relationships and simple pleasures


nor depth,


the gut-punches of failure and moments of defeat


the hurtful betrayals, the stubborn silence, and the humility of seeking forgiveness


nor anything else in all creation,


all the things I shudder to consider


all the ways the world is fallen


all the folks who come and go


all the freedoms offered you by the Creator


none of it


will be able to separate us from the love of God


It is impossible to sever or interrupt or alter the free-flowing, life-giving grace


that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.


the One who is making this impossibility a reality,


the One and only - who deserves our attention, allegiance, and affection.


Choose Him. Follow Him.


This is Love. This is Life.


This is my constant prayer.

Follow Through

Love is here! God is absolutely GOOD. (But you knew that.)

I share this with gratitude for days turning to years, the gift of patience, and the opportunity to glance back and see how far He has brought us. 

He has actually transformed my heart (in this tiny little area - please hold while we reach the fullness you are looking for) and healed this relationship. Yay for grace!! 

**********************************************

March, 2013: Welcome to my breakthrough!

Lately, God has been rephrasing the same question, and repeating His desires over and over ... as if something important is happening and He wants to make sure I don't miss it.

For days and days,

through conflict and crisis,

sermons and sisters,

guilt and grace,

scrolling ads and Bible study,

He has been speaking.

I love you. Love Me. Love Others.

Not a new message, right?

But a fresh word to renew my mind, refine my motivations and heal this deceptive heart of mine.

I love you.

He really loves me - not the "best-foot-forward" me ... the "just-as-I-am" me.

I have nothing to offer Him in return, and basically, my selfishness is a daily slap in the face to His provision. My impatience is a hindrance to His perfect will. My chronic unkindness towards Him and willful resistance toward His priorities prove my unworthiness.

But His kindness leads me to repentance. His grace is sufficient. 

He loves me with a love that never ends. He never gives up.

Love me. Love others.

All that He asks of me is that I love Him back and love other people in the same sacrificial way that He already loves us.

It will obviously take me the rest of my life to fully know and understand and live out the wisdom in this divine relationship.

Right now, there is someone in my life who doesn't seem to love me. (It's not you and it's not her either, so we're good.) I have spent too much time dissatisfied in this relationship ... wondering what I could do differently to earn or deserve their love. I'd even settle for kindness or just baseline human respect.

I've been praying for them.

And it's not working.

But today's breakthrough is this: Guess what? I don't love them.

I say I do. I've always said I do.

But I still want something in return. I have expectations. I am hurt. I feel unloved. I want to be validated and appreciated.

I. I. I.

Me.Me.Me.Me.Me.Me.ME!

(which is barely appropriate for opera singers with lemon wedges before a show)

I must LOVE this person. I must love them WELL.

Not waiting for them to deserve my efforts and concern.

Not waiting for them to reciprocate or return the affection.

This is not something that can be fabricated or faked.

God is going to have to do a miracle deep in my soul. He will have to change the way I see this person, the way I hear this person, the way I speak to this person. He'll have to give me a genuine desire to be around this person ... to want them to be near and dear to me ... like they are to God.

I believe God can and will do this because it aligns perfectly with His greatest desire.

I'll find my satisfaction and joy in Him.

He'll fill me up and I'll offer myself to be poured out.

He sets the example, supplies the strength; we humbly submit and joyfully serve.

"A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another." -John 13:34-35

"Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful;  it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Love never ends." - 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Adoption Journey: Part 3

[Click here to read "Adoption Journey: Part 1"]
[Click here to read "Adoption Journey: Part 2"]


We finally scheduled [read: hounded CPS relentlessly until they caved] a personal visit to meet Asa. We only had a two-day break between two consecutive weeks of ministry travel, and we needed to get our hands on that little guy! The girls were at "Grammy Camp" at my mom's, and Landen was away working at summer camp, so Luke went with us.

On a bright and steamy morning in July, we drove to the social services office in Smith County. And we waited.

Eventually we were led to an out-dated little room ... stale with musty smells and muffled noise. The room was equipped with a small play table, a crate of old toys, a sunken sofa, a creaky glider, and a camera mounted in the corner. With holes in the upholstery and a sticky film on the floor, to me it felt like a neglected thrift shop.

Soon the case worker walked in with a child who had been woken from a nap, taken from his car seat, and dropped-of by his foster mom. We wanted to pounce, but needed to be patient.

He began to cry. I looked at him and gulped back tiny hot tears.

Philip took him and held him close, but the stranger-baby who seemed supernaturally familiar continued to cry.

I watched helplessly (while shutting down emotionally ... ever-so-slightly ... it's what I do).

We tried all the tricks in our six-kid book. Nothing would soothe his frantic cries.





Ultimately he gave up and fell asleep ... his face sweaty and swollen from emotional exertion.

At one point, he opened his eyes and looked up at me. It was disturbing to me that he was neither soothed nor scared by my holding him. He just lay there still, slowly blinking those gorgeous big brown eyes at me ... ... still interjecting mini-gasps for every other breath.

We gently took turns holding that warm, wonderfully squashy baby boy. We rocked and took pictures and whispered words of hope.

Our two hour visit seemed both brief and eternal - over an hour of emotional strain mingled with many faint rays of hope and glimpses of bright possibilities. 

I remember a few details...

His shirt smelled like fresh laundry. His big brown eyes had a sad glaze that didn't quite match the cheerful photos that had filled my mind to that point. He seemed healthy and strong. I remember Luke being quietly helpful. And Philip was amazing - confident and nurturing and strong.

The social worker came in and announced that our time was up. We packed up the baby and his gear, and soon the foster mom walked in. We introduced ourselves, thanked her for her kind efforts and care, awkwardly kissed Asa goodbye, and handed him back over.




I will always remember the shirt Luke wore that day. I read it a hundred times while I bounced and paced and shushed that sweet baby boy - feeling so completely inadequate.


"Protect this house, I will."


I know I can be SUPER cheesy ... but God made me this way, and He knows how to speak straight to my dairy-laden soul. And so I believe - that in that moment of weakness - He gently reminded me of His promise ...


"Protect this house, I will."


The car ride home was pensive and silent ... except for the Casting Crowns cd in the background.

Lift your hands, lift your eyes.
In the storm is where you'll find Me.
And where you are, I'll hold your heart.
I'll hold your heart!
Come to Me, find your rest
In the arms of the God who won't let go ...

The next day Philip and I drove back along the same stretch of highway to take a flight out of Dallas. As we passed the Tyler exit, I thought about how close we were to Asa - and still so far away.
My emotional dam found fault, and gave way.
Tears steadily streamed down my face onto my shirt for more than an hour.

The gravity of this beautiful mess.
It was almost too much.

God had mercifully ordained that we spend the next few days at the Celebrate Recovery National Summit. A marvelous place where brokenness is encouraged, recovery is celebrated and messes miraculously morph into messages.

Surrounded by soul-level companions, [and exactly zero children, ahem] we were able to process all that God was doing. We worshiped and learned. We looked at Asa's photos often, and phoned our kids at night. We dreamed big dreams, believed the best, thanked God for being in charge, and prayed for grace to trust Him more.


* to be continued

[Click here to read previous posts on Adoption]

Adoption Journey: Part 2

[Click here to read "Adoption Journey: Part 1"]

In July 2013, we got a call from CPS that Philip's sister had relinquished her rights, and a judge had placed 5-month-old Asa with us. 

I wept.

For how heart-breaking and selfless a decision that must have been for her. 
For that precious little boy with all his hurts and healing.
For me. Heart-broken and yet thrilled. Scared and yet determined. 
Silencing selfish thoughts one by one as they attempted to have a voice. 

Shortly after hearing the news, Philip and I headed to Florida with the youth choir.  Riding in the front seats of a church van, we processed together ... asking sideways questions then staring down the road ... wondering when we'd arrive at the answers.

I realized I was battling my own attachment issues ... Whole-hearted, life-long commitment to a child I had yet to hold. 

(Besides the solitary newborn photo with Philip, I didn't even know what he looked like.)

God knew precisely what I needed ... hour upon hour of riding down a highway ... staring straight ahead with road noise and backseat chatter muffling into a strange, loud clarifying silence. 

Adoption Journey: Part 1

Philip & Asa, Feb '13

Wow. A little over two years ago, Philip was out of town watching the boys play baseball, and stopped by to see his younger sister and her newborn baby.

From Aunt & Uncle, to foster parents, to forever Mom and Dad. What an adventure this has been!

At the first of March, 2013, we learned that, at 5 weeks old, Asa was in foster care. I asked my Friday morning small group to pray with me for this child. I remember sensing a strange attachment to the situation ... not knowing what God might ask of me, but begging for His strength to give me courage, and His love to overshadow my selfish fears.

By April, I was growing more certain of our calling to get actively involved. I checked out a STACK of library books on fostering, adoption, high-needs children, prenatal methamphetamine exposure, and abandonment/attachment issues. I knew nothing ... and I could only live with myself in that condition a few moments more.

Veintisiete

Jamey and Cari - 1987

My baby brother turns 27 today. I can remember being on a youth mission trip in Mexico the day he was born. I called home to check on Mom about 9 pm and there was no answer...I knew my parents had no late-night social life, so I assumed they had gone to the hospital to give birth to my new Home-Ec project! I cried when I realized I missed his birth. I missed him...and I didn't even know him yet.

He was such a pretty baby. Dark, plump, and smiley. His first year of life was my first year with a driver's licence. One day I was running an errand in the "good times van" with James harnessed into his new, plush car seat. His seat faced forward, positioned on the captain's chair closest to the big sliding brown door. I say "positioned" because "secured" would be inaccurate.

As I came to an abrupt stop at a red light, the car seat tipped forward until it rested on the front passenger seat. I saw it lunge forward in my peripheral. I panicked, thinking James had been thrown to the floor. I quickly pulled into the next parking lot available. I threw open my door, darted around the van, and frantically opened the sliding door.

A Whole Entire Blog Post About Brendan Luke

Happy Birthday Lukey:)

My tallest, blondest child turns 16 today!

I remember being SO geared up for his birth. Not like the other time, with that first baby, when I was kuh-loo-less.

I had two years of parenting experience, a precious little compliant child that followed my instructions and proved my sketchy theories perfectly, tons of nap times in which to read dozens of parenting books, and thanks to daily stroller walks, I was ending this second pregnancy lighter than I started the first, I was gonna be ALL kinds of ready for this child!

Summer Sabbath

 

In the warmth of evening shade, the kids rolled out the slip & slide and had a blast!

 

Landen roars, Ardyn mocks, Mari Alice giggles at those silly people.

 

 

Mari thought she could make it farther if her older brother tossed her onto the slide.

 

 

Ashlin made it roughly a yard and a half on her first "run"... and cracked herself up.

 

 

Elizabeth is wary of this entire operation, Mari Alice is all in, Landen seems concerned.

 

 

Ardyn Grace ... "who me? say wuh?"

 

 

Landen spins around to find Elizabeth cringing at such perpetual moisture.

 

 

Sweet sloppy Mari Alice with Ash-bash, the photo-bomber.

 

 

And ... we finally got the He-Man, Luke to come join the fun.

 

 

 

Thank You, God, for these fantastic kids. Thank You for their handsome dad, for our backyard, for running water, and for all the memories we're making together. Knit us together in love so that we are a soft, secure space for Baby Asa. In this final week of "8 is almost enough", draw us each closer to You and help us love each other well. Thank You for loving us first and for promising to never leave us. Give us the courage to be hopeful, and the strength to be selfless. It's all You!

Extra! Extra!

If I had a dollar for every time I've been asked ...

"Are y'all going to have more children?"

My enthusiastic and definitive response has often been:

"Well, I won't be birthing any more, but if God wants to bring more into our home, I'm happy to raise them!"

And now ... the time has come.

In January of this year, Philip's sister gave birth to a beautiful baby boy, but she is unable to raise him. After months of processing - emotionally, legally, and prayerfully - he has been placed with us in a foster-to-adopt relationship.

We are expecting baby Asa to join us the first week of August. He will be six months old and we are VERY excited.

I want to write more about this special journey, but I have a couple things to do around here...
I can't wait to share more of this precious child and the marvelous way God is writing us into his story.

Thank you for praying for us when you think of us. We KNOW God is all over this, so we wait in hopeful expectancy.

 "Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us,  to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen." Ephesians 3:20-21

Road Trip

Last weekend, we drove to Arkansas to celebrate my Grandma's 85th birthday. Philip and Landen stayed home to prepare for and photographically document prom. JW went with.

As we drove home, our only agenda was to find a "mountain to climb" and a "creek to throw rocks in". We found both!


Happy Birthday, Landen!

Landen Paul (2yr) in 1998. "Ninny-Pah" since his sisters met him.

Our firstborn. The poor soul who was destined to receive the brunt of my inexperience and insecurities as a parent. And yet, he emerges surprisingly healthy in so many ways.

He is kind and hard-working; friendly and helpful. He is strong and handsome...much like his dad. He loves to sing and dance...half-way like me.

So grateful to be able to trust him whole-heartedly.
So blessed that he offers to help with cheerful enthusiasm.

He is learning the art and importance of being authentic. I know in my heart that he will do amazing things for God's Kingdom. I'm glad to be a part of his sweet life.

Thank You, God, for Landen Paul!

19th Anniversary

I love this picture because it's undeniable that I'm in love. In that moment I thought Philip Johnson was the greatest thing ever...and he's never given me reason to change my mind...in fact he has patiently and lovingly offered every kind of security for both my heart and mind.

These were my bridesmaids, Rachel, my very first and closest friend; Tracy, my dearest friend from OBU; Jami, my confidant and colleague at ETBU; and Rebecca, my roommate & sister-in-law. What a rich gathering of character, beauty, and grace to offer laughter and support that day.

wow. There is really no telling. My brothers plus Tyler buds plus Longview pals equals a good, good time.

Isn't this sweet? Our dear, sweet parents. Is it my imagination or do our mothers look like they could be sisters? Beauties! And my dad is cracking me up...now I know from whence I inherited the "open mouth concentration" gene. Ever seen me use a pair of scissors? I get it honest:)

Thank You, God, for giving Philip the courage to chase me down twenty years ago...and for giving him wisdom and patience from on high. Thank You for granting me courage - if even for a moment - to step out in faith and take hold of one of YOUR greatest blessings in all my life. You are so wise and kind. You have taught us how to love and we give You all the glory!

Grace

Tonight at 6pm IBC

 

 

 

Photographs by Megan Kilgore

Twenty-Six

 

Today I am grateful for my best friend and that miracles still happen.

 

I can remember sitting at the dining table, helping the kids with school lessons. I answered the phone and heard her broken voice. After years of feeling trapped on the emotional roller coaster of infertility, it was hard for her to say the thrilling, yet nauseating two-word sentence: "I'm pregnant." I remember her following it up with another (more obvious) four-word announcement: "I can't stop crying!"

 

She confessed, "I don't want to get my hopes up."

 

Three years earlier, we had been in adjacent hospital rooms-  I with my newborn, and she having just endured a ruptured tubal pregnancy. Unspeakable. No words...nothing to do but pray with one another and offer reassuring, heart-wrenching smiles through our teary eyes.

 

But on that day when her call happily interrupted spelling lists and long division ... we marveled at God's goodness.

 

"I don't want to get my hopes up," she sobbed.  I remember my response. "Then, we shall pray for courage  - courage to put our hope in God ... not in this pregnancy. That way our hopes can be up. Today, you are pregnant. And we live today. Today, you are crying uncontrollably, you're puffy, and if I were to say the word "tuna", you just might barf. So this is reality. We'll live tomorrow's reality tomorrow. Today God has placed a baby inside you. Praise Him!"

 

Kate is two now and a beautiful reminder that miracles still happen.

 

Thank You, God, for Kathy and for "Baby Kate".

On Alert

 

Monday morning I dropped my boys off at the high school.

Two tall, blue-eyed treasures smiled as they shut the car door, and walked off to join the crowd.  Oh, Dear Lord, "the crowd" ...

... this pressurized peer group, swarming like bees outside the gym doors, waiting to engulf my young men.

I drove away and prayed.


"Dear God, give them sensitivity and courage to keep in step with You ...

Body Parts

From the Archives: April 2004


It is Wednesday morning, and the breakfast dishes are clean and put away. Ardyn, the three-year-old, is busily gathering trash cans from all the rooms so it can be taken out. As her eight-year-old brother hauls out the "big trash", she dutifully puts new liners in each empty can and returns them to their rightful place. 

She even sings a little song as she goes:
"Brown one goes inda ... Bath room. Pink one goes inma ... Mom's room ..."

Hers in not a huge job, but it's really important to the other people involved. Her family depends on her. Sure someone else could do it instead, but we would all miss out on the apparent joy she finds in being a part of a whole.

As Landen comes inside from his trash run, he goes to sit at the table.  He has completed his household job, and now he cheerfully works on a responsibility he has to his church family. He copies a Scripture onto notebook paper, and adds "God loves you and so do I!". After drawing a picture, he addresses it to one of our church's home bound members.

His is not a huge job, but it's really important to the other people involved.  His church family depends on him. Sure someone else could do it instead, but we would all miss out on the apparent joy he finds in being a part of a whole.

"As it is, there are many parts, but one body." - 1 Corinthians 12:20

Just What I Need

Last night I was in my bed waiting [im]patiently to drift off to sleep. Restlessness was to be expected on the night before caMP3. My stomach was uneasy, and my brain churned with random ideas, urgent reminders, and bad case scenarios. As I felt my spirit become restless, I realized I hadn't read my devotional for the day. (Sundays can be ironically frazzled and harried in comparison to other days.)

In the quiet darkness, I reached above my head to find my kindle and opened "Jesus Calling" by Sarah Young. Here is what was written for July 15.

Fun Girl

Happy 3rd Birthday, Elizabeth Anne!

Thank You, God, for Giz. She is sheer joy. Thank You for her personality, for her affectionate sweetness, and for her affinity toward technical wonderment. Thank You for entrusting her to us! Draw her close to You and help us be good parents even when she is almost too cute.

Joy Dare 5.28.12

Giving thanks to God in community for His gifts ...

3 gifts that made you laugh
the debate over love languages
our thanksgiving memory
grown brothers and sisters in one room...loud love and laughter
3 gifts found in community
rides and lunch provided
texts of concern and hopeful prayers
even a week of medical crisis can be a very good week
gift in a plate    grilled pineapple with pork chops and onions
in a pot    mashed potatoes with bacon and cheese and garlic
in a package    creme brulee coffee with family and friends

3 hard thanksgivings
painful infections
bondage to bed rest
the disintegration of MY plan for this week
a gift worn    pants one size smaller
a gift white    Greek yogurt
a gift whispered    "Daddy's asleep but I need to say to him Happy Birthday Daddy!"

3 gifts found in church
organ and piano duets
new songs of praise
Spirit and Truth
3 gifts in today's work
the laptop and downloads and all my messy files
a household of children who help with [mostly] a smile
the husband called out to work on a holiday & his birthday ... answered with a glad heart.

Yes Ma'am!

May is the busiest month of our lives.  It makes December look like a giant yawn. One school year is concluding, while plans for the next are being solidified. Everyone is playing ball. Or coaching ball. The rest are watching from folding chairs while slurping frozen tubes of colored sugar water.

This spring we have been heavily involved in the initiation of Celebrate Recovery with our church.  Then there is the planning and preparing for all the weeks of summer ministry. It takes many hours just to get face time with each of the kids. Throw in a touch of housework, a little piano playing, some writing projects, and all-night thunderstorms, and we're swamped!