With the Rangers in the play-offs, one might imagine my household would be brimming with roars, chants, and popcorn in the couch cushions. But alas, the game is 150 miles away and only televised on cable. Philip took all who were interested to a satellite location...literally:)
We are in uncharted territory. I am at home alone with Oscar and the LizzarBeth. They have been silent, if not unconscious, for hours. Are you ready? I sat down with a diet coke, propped my feet up, and ....(wait for it)
...watched a movie
in its entirety
I really don't like watching movies. It's hard for me to relax and not feel overwhelmed with "all the other things I probably should be doing."
Moreover, there are very few great movies. So, it's statistically improbable that a given movie will leave me with that "what a great way to spend a couple hours" feeling.
Flipping through the N*tfl!x options, I chose "Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind". I had not heard of it, and was concerned by its rating, but gave it a shot. (its Restricted rating was for strong language and one brief hiney...ok, I guess it was "de-briefed" actually...)
Anyway. It was a strange, quirky movie. But I think I liked it.
Beyond an intriguing approach to the concept of "moving on" after difficulties, the central message I gathered was this: People are flawed, and the tossed coin that holds their best and worst attribute can make life difficult, unless you choose to experience that person through a filter of unconditional love and acceptance. And in the safety of that commitment, we have room and reason to grow.
I'm so grateful that Philip and I have been patient with one another. We are each very messed up in so many ways. We knew that fact would become undeniable the more we shared our lives. But one thing we have in common...the most important thing we share is God's redemptive love.
God took my rotten little heart. That selfish, disobedient, prideful heart -- He took it and replaced it with a heart capable of true love. His love.
I've been forgiven for SO many words, thoughts, and actions. I've been forgiven for SO many episodes of disobedient silence, disengaged senses, and lazy-donkey apathy. SO many times I've been forgiven. Clean slate. Forgiven. Forgotten. "He remembers it no more."
I am so blessed by Christ's sacrifice. I want my life to be a sacrificial blessing to Him...and others. But so often I rare up and fall miserably short.
There was a situation in the past that grieved me for years. I felt wronged. I felt betrayed and hurt. I felt entitled. I felt cold and indifferent, and yet ablaze with passionate insecurity.
I had journeyed long and hard toward forgiveness with some of the participants. And yet toward others, I never even tried. I didn't hate them. I just wasn't interested in loving them. According to the book of John, "this cannot be."
Last month, as I lay on the floor, I prayed alot. It was a different, more focused kind of prayer....well, except for the pain meds:)...than I'm accustomed to. I was able to really hash things out with the Lord. We had uninterrupted time to linger and labor over several different issues.
This certain wound came up in conversation multiple times. As the Holy Spirit took inventory of my heart, I discovered the sorrowful truth that I've never even cared. During those weeks, He sent divine messages through earthly means that alerted me to people who were hurting. My first instinct was to turn away. God, forgive me.
But with patience and heavy presence, He guided me to the place where I saw the stark contrast of how He treats me against how I treat others. I wept with tears of repentance and He once again poured out forgiveness. Almost immediately, I felt compassion for people I had been determined to ignore. I cared.
I want God's best for them. I pray for them to experience peace and joy.
And in His love, I find it.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
FOR TODAY Tuesday, October 12, 2010...
Outside my window...the cool, dark night surrounds our warmly lit home.
I am remembering...that I forgot AGAIN to call the billing office at the hospital today. Would a string around my finger be the next strategy?
I am thankful for...my physical therapist. I've never been so grateful that an individual chose the path of higher learning! She is so gifted and helpful...such a pivotal part of my healing. Thank You, God.
I am creating...an ENORMOUS mess in the girls' rooms. We are trying to systematically switch out seasonal clothes. With four growing girls, it's a multi-tiered process which sadly has spanned several days already. We can see the light at the end of this hand-me-down tunnel...and we purchased vacuum sealable storage bags so there will be more closet space in the off-season.
I am going...choir practice at the Methodist church tomorrow night. I am so blessed to be able to be a part of two different worship services each week. I experience an array of thoughts, responsibilities, messages, tunes, and friendships. I'm a lucky girl:)
I am reading...nothing. While on my floor mat during September, I was able to catch up on all my magazines. However, my mind is not quite back in gear to tackle a new read, so I stall, and the bedside pile of possibilities continues to stack.
I am hoping...for lots of things...but my hope is ultimately in Christ.
On my mind...my sweet Mom on her "eh-hmmth" birthday.
From the learning rooms...auto pilot. good thing.
Noticing that...the clutter bugs have reinfested my room. Not sure when I can exterminate. Hopefully soon.
Pondering these words... "We don't stop moving because we get old. We get old because we stop moving."
From the kitchen...Talapia, sweet potatoes, spinach & onions, and carrots. FYI: Elizabeth has a NO DEAL policy on all of the above. She's never rejected any food. But tonight she was rolling it off her tongue, out of her mouth, and back onto her tray as fast as we were offering it. Philip giggled hysterically. So we all joined in.
Around the house...The veggie rejector is sleeping soundly. The tuckered out clothes-tryer-onner is snoring in her toddler bed. The studious one is reading in bed. A frustrated fashionista is also reading in bed, but with slightly less enjoyment. Three handsome Ranger fans are spatting stats with awe and wonder as they bask in the glory of tonight's post-season victory. And I, in my solitude, am happily blogging.
One of my favorite things...the sound of my children singing. Whether it's Ardyn repetitively lilting Elizabeth's name really sweetly, Ashlin rockin' out to "He's Still Workin' On Me" with headphones, or Mari Alice's "My Country 'tis of Thee, sweet lamb of liver-tee..." It's all great. Landen is rarely NOT singing. And despite the deep-throated strength his recent physiological transitions do afford, he still prefers his breathy, high-pitched falsetto. (makes me grin.) Heck, I even enjoy Luke's hilarious original ballad entitled: "Partially Hydrogenated Lard" -trust me, you do NOT want to know.
From my picture journal... My lovely mother and [almost] all her grand kids. It's been less than a year since this photo was taken, and we've added two more! Thanksgiving 2009, Jack Henry was "in transit" and Abigail Rae was yet in the mind of God. Thank You, God, for my mom...and all the darlings represented on her ever-expanding birthstone charm necklace:)
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