Memorable Days

Two decades separate my little brother's wedding from my own, but

they share the same building, 

same pews, same aisles, and many of the same people ... even the same pianist. 

But, the old ring bearer ...is the new groom.

The new groomsman ... is the old groom.

The old groomsman ...

... is the new pastor.

And the old pastor is ... missing ... and missed.

Dad died the year after he walked me down the aisle. James was seven.

Life moved on from there ... 

... and then sort of returned again. 

During the weekend of James's wedding, bits of dad's handsome character permeated the places of our togetherness:

All three of my brothers were in the same room with me several times. 

Bliss.

I could see traces of Dad.

Tim's individuality and passion for the Kingdom, 

and his ability to tell the perfect story - 

"enhanced" in just the right places to pique interest and produce laughter.

Josh's mannerisms - the way he looks through his glasses at you with kind sincerity; 

and his humility - 

he knows so much and is so very smart, 

but he is quick to listen and slow to speak, choosing to respond with more questions than answers.

James' confident smile that brightens rooms and lightens moods; 

and his love for people - 

he consistently chooses to put others first with generous grace and subtle style.

There were other reminders, too.

During the ceremony, my oldest son was an usher - and wore my dad's black Rockport dress shoes. 

The symbolism was sobering and sweet ... of filling shoes and walking paths ... legacy, heritage, and honor.

The day before the rehearsal, I looked in my closet and found Dad's black silk bow tie.
I rushed it through the dry cleaners, boxed it up, and sent it with the groomsmen on Saturday
to offer James as he dressed for the big day.
James wore it so well! There were no big acknowledgements ... it was our quiet, happy secret. 

Dad's signature touch was sweetly in our midst.

As the service concluded, the pastor blessed us with a wonderful gift. He said:

"James, twenty years ago I stood on this stage in your sister's wedding. 

In that ceremony your father shared some words that touched me so deeply. 

In fact, they had such an impact on my life,

 that I have shared his words in every wedding I've officiated over the last twenty years. 

I want to share his words with you now. 

In the few moments we've shared together tonight, 

you've made some very sincere and challenging promises to each other. 

But every day after today - you must choose to fill up your words with Christ-like actions. 

As you make your words come true each new day, in each new way, 

God will be honored and you will be blessed."

Mom couldn't have Dad by her side at James' wedding.

But how precious to have [almost] half of his grandkids on every side!

The Lord gives and the Lord takes away.

Blessed be the Name of the Lord! 

I will sing of the Lord’s great love forever;
    with my mouth I will make your faithfulness known
    through all generations.

Job 1:21, Psalm 89:1-2

God is with us and He is for us.

And He promises as we journey through happiness and sorrow,

that not a tear is wasted. In time we'll understand.

He's painting beauty with the ashes.

Our life is in His Hands.
Casting Crowns, THRIVE

*Photo credit:

Jeannie Walker Gaut

Adoption Journey: Part 2

[Click here to read "Adoption Journey: Part 1"]

In July 2013, we got a call from CPS that Philip's sister had relinquished her rights, and a judge had placed 5-month-old Asa with us. 

I wept.

For how heart-breaking and selfless a decision that must have been for her. 
For that precious little boy with all his hurts and healing.
For me. Heart-broken and yet thrilled. Scared and yet determined. 
Silencing selfish thoughts one by one as they attempted to have a voice. 

Shortly after hearing the news, Philip and I headed to Florida with the youth choir.  Riding in the front seats of a church van, we processed together ... asking sideways questions then staring down the road ... wondering when we'd arrive at the answers.

I realized I was battling my own attachment issues ... Whole-hearted, life-long commitment to a child I had yet to hold. 

(Besides the solitary newborn photo with Philip, I didn't even know what he looked like.)

God knew precisely what I needed ... hour upon hour of riding down a highway ... staring straight ahead with road noise and backseat chatter muffling into a strange, loud clarifying silence. 

Adoption Journey: Part 1

Philip & Asa, Feb '13

Wow. A little over two years ago, Philip was out of town watching the boys play baseball, and stopped by to see his younger sister and her newborn baby.

From Aunt & Uncle, to foster parents, to forever Mom and Dad. What an adventure this has been!

At the first of March, 2013, we learned that, at 5 weeks old, Asa was in foster care. I asked my Friday morning small group to pray with me for this child. I remember sensing a strange attachment to the situation ... not knowing what God might ask of me, but begging for His strength to give me courage, and His love to overshadow my selfish fears.

By April, I was growing more certain of our calling to get actively involved. I checked out a STACK of library books on fostering, adoption, high-needs children, prenatal methamphetamine exposure, and abandonment/attachment issues. I knew nothing ... and I could only live with myself in that condition a few moments more.

What's a Girl to Do?

Elizabeth Anne is five years old now. She knows her letters and writes her numbers. She can fold towels and help make supper. But she has a secret.

If you know her well, or if you've seen her when she lets her hair down - literally - then you already know.

She's done it her whole life. What started out as cute, has lingered into a challenging cause for concern.

Every day, throughout the day, she sucks two fingers of her right hand while she uses her left hand to twist her hair.

The finger-sucking provides satisfaction.

The hair-twisting is comfortable when she feels anxious or bored.

She sucks until her teeth are protruding and her fingers are wrinkled; she twists until her hair knots up and is pulled out. 

So with gapped teeth, she sports moist, calloused fingers on her right hand, and short, frizzy, frayed hair on her left side. And I love her to pieces!!

Every morning when I brush her hair, we discuss her dilemma.

Veintisiete

Jamey and Cari - 1987

My baby brother turns 27 today. I can remember being on a youth mission trip in Mexico the day he was born. I called home to check on Mom about 9 pm and there was no answer...I knew my parents had no late-night social life, so I assumed they had gone to the hospital to give birth to my new Home-Ec project! I cried when I realized I missed his birth. I missed him...and I didn't even know him yet.

He was such a pretty baby. Dark, plump, and smiley. His first year of life was my first year with a driver's licence. One day I was running an errand in the "good times van" with James harnessed into his new, plush car seat. His seat faced forward, positioned on the captain's chair closest to the big sliding brown door. I say "positioned" because "secured" would be inaccurate.

As I came to an abrupt stop at a red light, the car seat tipped forward until it rested on the front passenger seat. I saw it lunge forward in my peripheral. I panicked, thinking James had been thrown to the floor. I quickly pulled into the next parking lot available. I threw open my door, darted around the van, and frantically opened the sliding door.

A Whole Entire Blog Post About Brendan Luke

Happy Birthday Lukey:)

My tallest, blondest child turns 16 today!

I remember being SO geared up for his birth. Not like the other time, with that first baby, when I was kuh-loo-less.

I had two years of parenting experience, a precious little compliant child that followed my instructions and proved my sketchy theories perfectly, tons of nap times in which to read dozens of parenting books, and thanks to daily stroller walks, I was ending this second pregnancy lighter than I started the first, I was gonna be ALL kinds of ready for this child!

First and Foremost

Landen and Asa introducing themselves up close and personal.

Today marks two months since baby Asa came to live with us.

I remember bits and pieces of that scary, exciting day. My mind was a fog of anxious nervousness. I wish I had written down my thoughts, but I know I didn't. I remember that part ... talking myself out of writing down anything.

The house was tidy. It was the big kids' first day of school. Philip was still off work, recuperating from hip surgery. I have no recollection of the chunk of time between carpool and lunch. Or was that the other home visit ... where the case worker and lawyer showed up late, so lunch sat on the stove until they left? See, I don't even know what time they brought Asa to us.

Simple Woman's Daybook: 10.7.13

FOR TODAY Monday, October 7, 2013...

Outside my window...
Bright sunny skies and cool crisp air.

I am remembering...
how often I've fallen short, and how patient God continues to be.

I am thankful for...
voices and instruments and folks who praise Him in my midst.

I am creating...

Our New Normal

Philip and Asa 

Big day of "firsts" at Southfield!

Today was Landen and Luke's first day back in class at the high school,
Ardyn's first day of public school at the Jr. High,
Ashlin's first day to be OJR: "Oldest Johnson in the Room",
Elizabeth's first day to NOT be the YJR, because it was
Asa's first day to live in our home.
(Philip and Mari and I had fun too:)

We began snapping photos right after the case worker and lawyer drove away.

He was so happy all day long. We are all the way in love with this little guy!



This is Ashlin's third rodeo with a 7-month-old sibling. She's got this.



And here is video documentation exploiting Gizzy's not-so-subtle anxiety 

concerning her recent dethronement. Bless her heart:)

AND please note that in this video we are prompting for the word, "Ash" ... short for Ashlin:)

Hopefully I'll get photos of Asa with the older kids tomorrow. And maybe me.

Thank You, God, for a very good day!

Summer Sabbath

 

In the warmth of evening shade, the kids rolled out the slip & slide and had a blast!

 

Landen roars, Ardyn mocks, Mari Alice giggles at those silly people.

 

 

Mari thought she could make it farther if her older brother tossed her onto the slide.

 

 

Ashlin made it roughly a yard and a half on her first "run"... and cracked herself up.

 

 

Elizabeth is wary of this entire operation, Mari Alice is all in, Landen seems concerned.

 

 

Ardyn Grace ... "who me? say wuh?"

 

 

Landen spins around to find Elizabeth cringing at such perpetual moisture.

 

 

Sweet sloppy Mari Alice with Ash-bash, the photo-bomber.

 

 

And ... we finally got the He-Man, Luke to come join the fun.

 

 

 

Thank You, God, for these fantastic kids. Thank You for their handsome dad, for our backyard, for running water, and for all the memories we're making together. Knit us together in love so that we are a soft, secure space for Baby Asa. In this final week of "8 is almost enough", draw us each closer to You and help us love each other well. Thank You for loving us first and for promising to never leave us. Give us the courage to be hopeful, and the strength to be selfless. It's all You!

Daybook 8.1.13

FOR TODAY Thursday, August 1, 2013...

Outside my window...
A steamy summer shower is thundering through the neighborhood forcing skies to darken and grass to glow bright green.

I am remembering...
the summer I stayed a week at my Grandma's. Croquet, fireflies, and rhubarb pie.

I am thankful for...
faithful friends who speak lovingly, pray boldly, and laugh easily.

I am creating...

Road Trip

Last weekend, we drove to Arkansas to celebrate my Grandma's 85th birthday. Philip and Landen stayed home to prepare for and photographically document prom. JW went with.

As we drove home, our only agenda was to find a "mountain to climb" and a "creek to throw rocks in". We found both!


Multitude 4.29.13

Giving thanks to God in community for His gifts ...


A Gift in Sky, Water, Memory...
steamy, dark clouds racing through - leaving cool breezes to follow their tracks
dry, floating assaults of pollen trapped and tranquilized for the day by merciful moisture
the little strawberry dress -worn by many sisters - brought out from storage for more classic cuteness

A Gift Wrinkled, Smoothed, Unfolded...
the printed softball schedule that seems to order our days
the situation where I found just enough courage to be gently honest
this marvelous narrative He's finishing in us

My Man

14 Reasons why I love my funny valentine...

1. Blue eyes...can't get enough of 'em.

2. Accented slang...he talks like a hick, and ironically, I dig it.

3. Friendly...he's just a really friendly guy.

4. Strong hands...he refused to use the bar of soap in the hotel once because he couldn't wash his hands with "something that snaps in half every two seconds"...brute?

5. Affectionate Dad...all the kids bask in his tenderness.

6. Hard work...he possesses not one ounce of laziness.

7. Home Run maniac...that boy got skills.

8. Blossoming musician...he has always had a song in his heart, and after years of my "nearness", he can actually sing on key.

9. Fixer-guy...I never pay a repairman, rarely a mechanic, only seldom a plumber. I tell ya - the boy got SKILLS.

10. Optimist...things in Philip's world are either "all good" or "awesome".

11. Provider...I never have to wonder if we'll have what we need. PTL

12. Chatter box...he uses twelve thousand minutes and 700 texts per month just making people feel known and needed.

13. God lover...though I truly feel loved by Philip, I always have the sense that he loves Someone else more...and I wouldn't want it any other way.

14. After all these years, he still thinks he loves me more than I love him ... it's just so precious. Incorrect, but precious.

Happy Birthday, Landen!

Landen Paul (2yr) in 1998. "Ninny-Pah" since his sisters met him.

Our firstborn. The poor soul who was destined to receive the brunt of my inexperience and insecurities as a parent. And yet, he emerges surprisingly healthy in so many ways.

He is kind and hard-working; friendly and helpful. He is strong and handsome...much like his dad. He loves to sing and dance...half-way like me.

So grateful to be able to trust him whole-heartedly.
So blessed that he offers to help with cheerful enthusiasm.

He is learning the art and importance of being authentic. I know in my heart that he will do amazing things for God's Kingdom. I'm glad to be a part of his sweet life.

Thank You, God, for Landen Paul!

19th Anniversary

I love this picture because it's undeniable that I'm in love. In that moment I thought Philip Johnson was the greatest thing ever...and he's never given me reason to change my mind...in fact he has patiently and lovingly offered every kind of security for both my heart and mind.

These were my bridesmaids, Rachel, my very first and closest friend; Tracy, my dearest friend from OBU; Jami, my confidant and colleague at ETBU; and Rebecca, my roommate & sister-in-law. What a rich gathering of character, beauty, and grace to offer laughter and support that day.

wow. There is really no telling. My brothers plus Tyler buds plus Longview pals equals a good, good time.

Isn't this sweet? Our dear, sweet parents. Is it my imagination or do our mothers look like they could be sisters? Beauties! And my dad is cracking me up...now I know from whence I inherited the "open mouth concentration" gene. Ever seen me use a pair of scissors? I get it honest:)

Thank You, God, for giving Philip the courage to chase me down twenty years ago...and for giving him wisdom and patience from on high. Thank You for granting me courage - if even for a moment - to step out in faith and take hold of one of YOUR greatest blessings in all my life. You are so wise and kind. You have taught us how to love and we give You all the glory!

Grace

Tonight at 6pm IBC

 

 

 

Photographs by Megan Kilgore

Merry Mari

Oh, I wish that silly time stamp wasn't on all the photos in this batch. (I've changed the settings now.)Anyway ...

Look what arrived this week!! Mari Alice was ecstatic ... not an exaggeration. She said, "Don't ever take this off ... not ever, ever! And even if you do, I won't take it and lose it, I promise, promise!"

We had a good, long nose to nose whisper-chat about forgiving and forgetting. I assured her [again] that I am not upset with her and that she is absolutely forgiven. I encouraged her not to worry any more about it: "We're moving on, ok?" We stared wide-eyed and resolute at one another for several seconds ...

Just then, Ardyn, who was watching from across the room, said, "Um ... this is definitely a hug moment ... I'm pretty good at figuring out when a hug would be the right thing, and this is definitely one of those times."

We all giggled and hugged and looked at my pretty, pretty ring one more time.

This morning, I was holding my favorite mug with both hands, sipping my steamy coffee when Mari Alice walked in and smiled.

"Good morning," I chimed. "Why are you grinning at me?"

"I can see your ring and I really love it."
"Well I do too ... but not as much as I love you!"

Thank You, God, for forgiveness. For giving back what has been taken ... even if it's not quite the same, we trust You that it is best. You are the great Redeemer. You heal and bind up and restore. Your thoughts are higher than our thoughts and Your ways are not our ways ... and for that, I thank You. I trust You and Your good plan WAY more than I trust my own. Thank You for beauty  - the kind in diamonds and gold, and the kind in darling little girls.

Harvest Time

So, this photo makes it look like Ardyn bagged a buck. And while her sisters are unconditionally supportive...

 ...Truth be told, her brother, Luke, actually pulled the trigger. Fear of failure had seized her heart in the moment. We've processed both the deer and her emotions now ... we're ready for the next hunt.

And as always.....

Landen Paul was eager and equipped to "git'r done" when it came to quartering the venison. He cuts hide like he cuts paper ... mouth slightly open. It's hereditary ... my jaw drops with each scissor expansion. I crop in private:)

Thank You, God, for wonderful children who enjoy spending time in Your beauty, and work together to get a job done. Thank You for venison chili, too!