Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Safe and Secure?

I finally opened "So Long Insecurity", my new book by Beth Moore. It may be noteworthy that I struggled with anxiety about even reading a book with "Insecurity" in the title.

Whisper it gently, "(head case)!"
Thirty-six pages have now entered my consciousness.

Today I spoke with a friend about her hopes and dreams for the future. She said, "I don't want the idea for this venture to be something I just WANT to do...I want it to be the right thing."

I was tickled at my inability to sympathize.

My flesh most certainly NEVER wishes for a new venture. Never ever.

To the contrary, I believe there are things that I have been distinctly directed to do, and here I cower. Locked down in self-doubt and prideful preoccupations with "what others will think". I have zero adventurous spirit. Zero. Ask Philip.

Shortly after we met, he called my parents' house. "Hi, this is Philip. I was wondering if I could come by and get you on my friend's new motorcycle. I want to take you for a ride."

I barely hesitated.

"Um. NO."

How many girls would have literally been swept off their feet by such a proposition?

I guess it was only fair to our future that he realize, straight-away, that I do not find pleasure in seeking thrills. It can almost always be said that I am perfectly satisfied right this very moment...enjoying this pleasant little rut I've carved for myself out of discipline and reservation. No need for joy rides or surprises. Everyone just calm down and have a seat. We're all good.

I'm not sure what happened after I snubbed his two-wheeled invitation. You'll have to ask him. Fortunately, it was not the end of the story. Just the beginning. (Thank You, Jesus!)

Let's see...leaps of faith...

Not a lot to choose from.

Oh gosh, there was the ropes course with our youth group after we first were married. You can see it. I'm harnessed UNattractively around the pelvic region, perched upon a tiny twelve inch plank nailed to some lofty branch of some ridiculously high tree. Philip is on the ground. I calmly announce to him that I cannot go through with the jump across the wired expanse. He sweetly encourages, "You got this, Babe." What a dull boy. I did NOT have this. The fact that he could not easily recognize this was troubling.

I also do not remember the end of THIS story. I know I bawled like a baby in front of the impressionable youth and my new husband. Did I jump or climb down? Ask Philip. I may have blacked out because I honestly do not remember.

Are we sensing a pattern?

Past challenges and opportunities for discovery remain bogged down in my memory so that the shadowed truth is forgotten, and all that remains is the clarity of my insecurity.

What was the most painful passage to read last night?

"The self-conscious person may protect herself with plain-ness and try to blend into the paint, but she also may dress herself to perfection and stand squarely in the spotlight. In either portrayal -or anything in between- she is ordinarily more aware of herself than she tends to be of any other person in the room. Whether she feels inferior or superior, she takes a frequent inventory of her place in the space. She may like it or hate it, but she's rarely oblivious to it. Never think for a moment that pride and self-centeredness have no role in insecurity. Since she keeps confusing her insecurity with humility, however, she never recognizes the self-centeredness so she can turn from it." -pg 23 SO LONG, INSECURITY, Moore

Oh, Dear Lord, please help me recognize the sin of self-centeredness. I want to turn from it. Give me courage. Give me security. Thank You for my courageously secure soul-mate. Let me learn from him and be encouraged. I want to trust Your promised comfort more than I enjoy my comfort zone. Forgive me. Thank You:)