Thursday, March 29, 2012

Blame Game

I'm absolutely done.

It is so counter-intuitive, that I lack the motivation to even try to rationalize it.

Here's the riddiculous game. 
For most of my life, everything less than lovely in my life has been blamed on someone or something else. Everything.

My bad mood?  Rowdy kids.  Change of plans. Lack of coffee.  Your poor choices.
(Couldn't possibly have anything to do with the dust on the abandoned Bible.)

My failure to succeed?  Past hurts.  People's opinions.  Present obstacles. Perceived expectations. Possibility of future failures.
(Couldn't be my fear, my pride, or my laziness.)

My critical spirit - which indwells my heart and comes rushing out of my mouth as a torrent of barky critique?  (not me.  it's you.)  You should be better prepared.  You should be smarter.  You should be quicker.  You should do better.  You should work harder.  You should be quiet.  You should speak up.  You should understand me.
(Couldn't possibly be my self-loathing tendencies or my lack of compassion, or impatience.)

My frail relationships?  The other person's lack of trustworthiness.  Their inability to think like I think and act like I act.  Their inaccessibility.
(Nothing I've done - not my trust issues or selfishness - nosirree Bob.)

My coldness?  Your hurtfulness.
My rudeness?  Your stupidity.
My apathy?  Your ignorance.
My feelings of insecurity?  Your arrogance.
My hesitancy to participate?  Your grand achievements.

.My weight? (more accurately: my excess weight) Childhood asthma. Mean boyfriends. Mom's cooking. Busy schedule. Emotional coping mechanism for any of the above infractions.
(Not even related to the miles I don't walk, or the sweets I too often eat.)

I'm absolutely done.
We have overcome ..."by the blood of the Lamb and the word of our testimony."

Stuff happens.  I will fail.  People WILL fail.  But I have a choice. 

I can choose to be responsible.

Answerable to God.  I can either make myself accountable for my shortcoming, or discharge the obligation to Him.  He is ultimately responsible.  He is the author and finisher of my faith.  He's writing this story...where plots thicken and characters antagonize.  He is in control.  And He has introduced a Hero.  A Savior who not only slays evil, but offers supernatural power.

Power to be responsible.  To be capable of rational thought and able to forgive.
Even when I am legitimately wounded,  I can choose forgiveness.
Even when things go wrong, I can choose to be right.
When people are unloving ... or unlovable... I can choose love.
I can choose to bear with others. I can choose patience.
I can choose ownership.  Ownership of my attitude and actions.

I'm the one to blame.

The people called him Jesus
The crime was the love He showed
He brought me love that only He could give
I brought Him cause to cry
And though He taught me how to live
I taught Him how to die
And I'm the one to blame
I caused all the pain
He gave Himself, the day He wore my crown

"It is finished."

I am done.