This is probably not going to be a cheerful post. If you're not in the mood, I understand. Come back later and I'll have the hap-hap-happiness up and running again.
Before I begin, I must say, "I love my husband. I chose him out of all the people in the world. I love him. I WANT to be married to him. Sharing our lives together brings me joy"(for the most part). I just don't know where the line is. That very fine line. The line between being quietly content and silently complacent. There are things around my house with which I am not pleased. Some related to resources, and others related to...well, the people I'm related to. Do I just go on living or attempt to change?
I have had the same carpet remnant in the middle of my living room for five years. I paid $90 for it then, and believe I've gotten more than my money's worth. So I bought a new, twice as large, twice as expensive remnant. I am now able to spread my furniture out and enjoy the freedom from the 12x7 anchor. But I feel guilty. I love it. I love the layout that it affords. I wonder if I really needed to replace the rug, though. Perhaps I could've gotten another year or two out of the other one. Was it wrong to want to improve? Was it time? Was I not willing to be content? Isn't it wonderful to have the extra space for fellowship among friends and family? Couldn't I have had that same space with no rug? Contentment or Improvement?
During the past couple months, our family has been characterized by separation and lack of unification...geographically at times, but more often spiritually & emotionally. I keep waiting for things to "get back to normal". But I feel like I'm chasing a runaway train. It's speeding toward the dark, distant horizon with my entire family on board. They seem to be having a moderately fun time, in an oblivious sort of way, but they don't seem secure. So now who's disharmonious? Me? Why am I not on the train? That might be a life size cardboard cut-out of my likeness propped next to the cute, bald guy. They think I'm playing SkipBo with them, talking about the four baseball games from today or the Cowboys or the Olympics. I'm not! I'm back here. The exhausted runner, panting and waving. The muted screamer, impatiently waiting for things to change.
What else? The paint in the kitchen and bathroom that I applied two and half years ago when we moved in, is chipping and peeling. It has had quite a bit of "help". It bothers me when I see it. I know my kids did it. By the transitive property, I am bothered by my kids. Yuck. I am willing to repaint. I want to repaint. I suspect someone will mess it up again. That will bother me greatly. Double-Yuck. Do I commit to endure or seek to improve?
Philip and I don't pray or read the Bible like we have in the past. I want to be patient. I want him to lead out. I want him to want to. We are each reading and praying. But we're just leaving each other out. I have big stuff coming up. I NEED him to "wash me in the water of the Word". He NEEDS me to pray for him WAY more than I do. Why do other things take priority? Why do we GIVE other things priority? What are we modeling for the kids? Am I content to submit? I want to press on! Would contentment bring endurance? What would I have to ignore to be quiet? Maybe I need to shut my eyes to the things that bother me. What if the Lord is trying to open my eyes to them?
Baseball. You know I'd end up here. Besides hormones, nothing negatively affects my mood more than baseball. Practice 3 nights a week. Two games per son per Saturday. Hundreds of dollars. Months of kingdom living. For what? Since Philip is coaching Luke's team, that leaves Landen needing to travel to games and practices. I didn't go today. I sent him with his coach. I felt awful, but not awful enough to go. I halfway thought I might need to watch a friend's children today, so I used that as an excuse. The truth is that I did not want to pay for gas and drive an hour and a half to sit with three girls for five hours. Selfish? Sensible? I don't really care about Luke's team...I just let Philip handle everything and I basically write them off on those evenings & weekends. But I feel like Philip signed Landen up for this and then said, "Yeah, you're gonna have to be with the girls fifteen hours a day with no help from me AND you'll have to load them up to go with you as you follow Landen around East Texas."
It's not like we're busy with other stuff. We're not juggling music, karate, dance and equestrian lessons. We -and by that, I guess I mean they - just do baseball. Ten months out of the year. And the two months that overlap are deer season!!! What really disturbs me is that I'm sending some warped message to my daughters that women just sit around making sure everyone is clothed and fed and men get to do whatever it is they "need" to do. Heck - I'm sending that same message to my boys. ARGH!
We have one weekend in the next 10 in which there is no baseball. I recently learned that Philip plans to fish a tournament that weekend. A night tournament where he'll be gone all evening/night and when he returns, he'll need to sleep most of the day to recover. Lovely. Stuck at home with the kids AND we need to be quiet. I cannot endure if there is no hope for [an even brief] return to normalcy. Is this our new normalcy? (For the record, he asked me before he solidified the plans. So technically it's my fault if I'm upset. I don't know why I need him to make selfless decisions on his own. If I make his selfless decisions for him...well I guess they are purely outside himself...ironic?? I don't want to be the bad guy, the parade rainer, the bubble popper. I want to be a fun girl!)
I thought this might be therapeutic to journal, however, my blood pressure and dull headache would indicate otherwise. Not sure where to go from here. I know that scripture indicates that there's no middle ground. You're either gathering or scattering. You're either hot or cold, for Him or against Him. When I feel like our family is not advancing -being transformed by the renewing of our minds, then I fearfully assume we're regressing and being conformed to the world. I want to fight for what is right. But I want peace. I want joy.
Is there a divine way to do both: go on living and attempt to change; be constantly content and be consistently progressing. Is that it? How? I need help. I need prayer. Lots and lots of prayer.
Father, hear my cry. Help me see with Your eyes. Help me receive Your instruction and Your forgiveness. Help me share in love. Help.
