Counting Losses

Destroyed. 

A year ago our community [re]built this playground from the dirtwork up. What required hundreds of hours, hundreds of thousands of dollars, and a shared commitment to work hard and see it through . . . is totally gone. Utterly destroyed. 

I blink at the image and triple check the time stamp. Harsh reality punches my gut while my head insists it can't be real. What now? Who can be held responsible? How can we get our time and money back?

We can't.

My stomach aches at the waste.

My heart hurts at the loss.

Amid the shock and pain, there is a broader truth on display here, and I feel compelled to point it out. Everything we work toward is temporary. Our employment eventually ends, our bodies ultimately die, our possessions will be destroyed or distributed, and every single relationship will be severed in the end. Think about it. It all seems quite hopeless and futile. Unless. Unless we live within the belief that none of it is ours anyway. Unless we die first and THEN live in Christ. Unless we lose the whole world to gain what we can never lose.

Listen to why I have hope and why life is FILLED with meaningful endeavors. Because of Christ. Without Him, I would be trapped in dutiful misery, striving to obtain my own peace, straining to do and make everything right. The insanity of that lifestyle almost did me in. But at the base of the pit I had dug, I found Jesus who had found me first. He offered forgiveness and freedom and a new way of living. And, with nowhere left to turn, and nothing right about me except a broken, needy heart, I accepted His mercy and received His grace.

It's like I've flipped to the last chapter, realized He wins in the end, and then let that quiet confidence filter through each day and the challenges that accompany. 

If there is any good in me, it is Jesus. If there are inconsistencies or glaring shortfalls, His love is covering all that too. I have limited time, but thanks to Jesus, I have rich resources readily available, and I want to make a difference . . . to work and give and help and speak the truth in love. As I live I want you to know I live in and through Christ. When I die, rest assured that I have found my home.

"For the thief comes to kill and destroy, but I have come that you may have life, and have it abundantly." John 10:10

Sufficiency

Grace enough.

There has always been plenty. 

For all my insecurities, my judgemental tendencies, and frequent cold shoulders - there has been abundant grace.

For all her bold moves, her radical choices, and perpetual hot water - there has been marvelous grace.

For our crossed paths winding to and fro, for the tangled web of circumstance and consequence unraveling in a heap, and brave leaps of faith weaving tight and true - so much unmerited grace.

More than enough to see it through. 

To see us through.

To share our story and the hope we know that there is grace enough.

For me and you.

And She Prayed

A face and a name keep "randomly" tip-toeing through her thoughts. 

She prays for protection.

A text arrives with a frightful and unfavorable lab test report. 

She prays for healing.

A lady on the aisle filled with cans of beans and tomatoes shares how difficult this week has been.

She prays for strength. 

A mostly grown child calls with anxiety and frustration pulsating in every word.

She prays for peace.

A brother accepts a weighty responsibility and he's ready except he's nervous.

She prays for courage.

A friend seems discouraged as accounts run hollow and ends refuse to meet.

She prays for provision.

The manager seems misguided, the minister mistaken, the momma fairly miserable. 

She prays for redemption.

I wish I was the "she" in every case. I am grateful to my core for every "she" who prays for me and mine, and I am working hard [read: running hard and resting hard] to be in better shape about this. To rise and step in and kneel and approach and petition and battle and believe for others. Oh, for grace.

And she prayed.

Simply Sharing

What an unexpected treat these journal memories are for me tonight! ❣

Annotations: 

1. That sixth baby was born June EIGHTH before the sibling shirts were even made. 🤯

2. Thirteen years later and Philip is working storms tonight. Bless. 💙

3. What a gift it was to have my brother live with us for his college years. 😎

4. I have made daily mistakes raising these humans . . . I'm still not sure how I feel about this particular day's tactics toward my beloved second-born. Mercy. 🙏

5. We were so rich. Not an extra twenty to spend ... but oh, so rich.💕 

6. I loved me some word-weaving even way back when.😊

FOR TODAY: Monday, April 13, 2009 

Outside my window: surprisingly cool night air stirs the sounds as neighborhood dogs bark, and trucks haul freight up and down the highway. 

I am thinking: about Philip. He has been working the tornado damage in Mena, Ark, since Saturday. He called tonight and said "It's bad." He sounded so tired. I feel badly for him. He is in a motel, and they were able to watch "Baseball Tonight" on ESPN --which is an ironic treat. I asked him if he is eating well. He said, "You bet!" I must admit, we are not. Without Philip here for me to thrill and amaze with my culinary efforts, we consume little more than oatmeal and PB&J. Pitiful, really. I heard JW talk to Philip on the phone tonight. "I really miss you, Phil..." was obviously code for "Please come home quickly, mealtime ain't pretty!" 

I am thankful for: a good report at the doctor this morning. My belly grew a cm, and I lost a pound and a half. Yipee!!! That's the way we like it! He scheduled a c-section for Friday morning, June 19th and said everything looks great. 

From the learning rooms: we streamlined the last week of lessons, due to Philip's trip. I felt like it would be a good idea to keep everyone distracted from their sadness with furniture rearrangement, fresh colors, and paint fumes! (It is apparent that JW resents my efforts toward group-wide distraction.) 

From the kitchen: instant oatmeal wrappers lie on counters smudged with PB&J. I'm kidding. I made quesadillas for supper and cleaned up my mess. Everyone is very excited about the Pepperoni Pizza Paninnis scheduled for tomorrow's token meal. 

I am wearing: black knit paint pants and red D-Now 2000 paint shirt. I love putting this outfit on because it has splotches of paint from past projects: Apple Green from the kitchen, Chocolate Brown and Rain Blue from the bathroom, lots of Alabaster White from lots of trim, and just a few thumb prints of Basket Beige. 

I am creating: a really big mess, actually. Philip always teases me about my "artistic" approach to cooking and craft. When he says I'm "expressing myself", he really means, "You've made a big fat mess." The Lord may have spared Philip a great amount of stress by sending him to Arkansas. He would not enjoy my 3-week decorating blitz. 

I am going: to stick to my guns with Lukey this week. Today he sassed me and didn't follow my instructions, so I "gave him a plot of earth" - as JW coins the phrase. I told him that since he was obviously choosing his own way instead of the Johnson way, he would be in charge of his own plot of earth (a wooden chair in the middle of the backyard) At first, he was great with it, because it meant the other kids and I had to finish emptying out his room without him. But after a couple hours, he began to ask to come in. I told him he could manage his plot until dark, and then - only if he wanted to - he could come in and choose to be a Johnson. It was a long afternoon and evening for everyone. We emptied and cleaned the room, had dinner and painted. He sat. I watched him out the window each time I passed the patio door. Sometimes he appeared tormented and depressed. Sometimes he looked beautifully peaceful, like he was communing with God. As I cleaned up our dinner, I took him a napkin full of crackers and a cup of water. "I missed you at dinner," I sweetly shared. "Can I have dinner when I come in?" he asked. I calmly glanced down at the crackers. "THIS is DINNER???" he whined. "When you're ready to choose our home as your dwelling, you will be welcome to share our meals. But today, you have already made your choice." When he came in, he was calm and kind and helpful. Everyone noticed. He confessed to JW that he had "been a punk", but had spent several hours "thinking about stuff". I'm sure that tomorrow will hold new struggles, but based on his redeemed demeanor (and slight sunburn) I trust he'll make his decisions wisely. 

I am reading: The Horse and His Boy by CS Lewis with the kids (in theory) I'll try to catch up tomorrow. 

I am hoping: Philip is safe and well rested. 

I am hearing: the wonderful lull of solitude. A random praise song skirts through my thoughts every now and again....a memory from the children's laughter today floats through...then a stray phrase from an 80's hit tramples across my mind, but ultimately I'm enjoying the rhythmic click of my keyboard and the sustained hum of my tower fan. 

Around the house: everyone is asleep. Everything in the living area is tidy. The left side of my bed is destined to be empty this week. sniff, sigh. 

One of my favorite things: is whoppers malted candy. JW found some Easter eggs in the clearance bin at the store. Five or twelve of them dudes after a long day of painting...fabuloso! 

A few plans for the rest of the week: more paint, more rearrangement, more laughs, more obedience, more oatmeal, more reading. Oh, and baseball and AWANA and did I say more paint? 

Dear God, I trust You to keep Your promises toward Philip. You are good all the time! Thank You for blessing my life. I wait on You while he's away. Amen.

Worth of Art

This is in the entry way of my best friend's home. It makes me want to cry.😭

First, out of sheer embarrassment. Twenty-something years ago, she earned her masters degree in forestry and I had no money for a gift. This is a $1 plate holder, a $1 glass plate, a $1 sample of fabric, and some Mod Podge left over from a church craft retreat. Oh, and gold paint to "gild" the edges. From the same retreat. 🙄

It is one thing for her to graciously receive this during a celebration where surely hundreds if not thousands of dollars were offered. 😬

But she kept it. 😊

She continues to give it a place of honor. And that level of unmerited favor just makes me wanna bawl. 😔

Last time I was at her house, I snapped a picture because (#1. It made me roll my eyes and giggle) but also, I wanted to remind myself of this beauty. 📷

Not the plate [not at all oh my gracious!] But the placement. Not the love I was trying to communicate, but the love she CONTINUES to pour out by treating my dollar store craft as if it were a valuable work of art worthy of sharing with as many people as possible. 🏆

There's something divine here . . . 💛

In Season and Out

This sweet snap from 2018 is one of my all-time favorite photos.

During Asa's first year to play t-ball, he spent a lot of time watching. He made some great plays, learned a lot, and made a ton of friends. 

But he was [a] little [baby] with focus challenges and some health issues while the setting sun would blaze a sensory overload of bright heat. So most of the time he just watched.

This image speaks grace to me . . .

calm, comforting charis.

Sometimes you just have to sit one out.

An inning, a game, a season.

Sometimes your part is to watch and wait.

You may be geared up and ready.

You may have worked hard to get here.

This may be the thing you feel like you want the most.

But for whatever reason, the sidelines is your position for now.

You are not alone.

You are tenderly held, and your father knows best. 

Is this purposeful punishment or prevention and protection? Who can know for sure? 

Because from this vantage all I see is love.

Out of Nowhere

This image contains words I received in a text message yesterday morning. 

Seemingly out of nowhere. 

Sitting in my car, I read each phrase and just quietly wept as courage and hope made their way through my stiff and stoic heart.

For the rest of the day my eyes were miraculously opened to all that God was doing. It was still a challenging day with bumps and bruises, but it was filled with peace and purpose and generosity. Her prayers were heard and I felt seen. Powerful stuff.

She didn't have to pray.

She didn't have to tell me she did.

I didn't have to share this.

You didn't have to read it.

We can mind our own business and leave well enough alone.

But, WHY, for the love of God and His goodness, would we settle for that?

Ask God who might need a prayer and a text today.

He answers. He is the answer.

On the Way

There is a divine margin of clarity that moves with us as we advance into the unknown. 

In God's presence, beauty emerges from the mysterious shadows as we journey at His pace and in His peace. 

When the road ahead is uncertain, the only way to see more clearly is to keep going.

Little by little you will see more. Clearly.

Compare and Contrast

There are so many people who drink health shakes. I know this because they post about it constantly. They post photos, statistics and earnest proclamations of success and happiness.

Some "friends" have even sent invitations to shake parties, and announcements of shake specials.

Gut honest: (pun intended) I find this mildly annoying. They don't know what's going on in my life. I'm just a name on their contact list. Since they have no idea about my struggles, their enthusiasm is suspect and their invitation seems offensive. I receive it as this: "Hey! You're obviously overweight! You should try meal replacements and see if you can improve yourself."

To the contrary, I have a friend who is a registered dietician. She is the picture of good health. She drinks quarts of water, eats whole foods and enjoys lots of outdoor activities. We've been friends for years. Our kids have played together, we've celebrated birthdays, shared weekends, and chatted through many of life's mysteries. I'll admit (and she knows this) that when I started hanging out with her, I thought some of her habits and beliefs were strange. But she is happy and helpful, and I am drawn to her company and conversation.

She is humble and steadfast. I have never once felt ashamed or condemned by my lack of nutritional education or discipline. She spurs me on toward making good choices, sets a great example, admits she's not perfect, and patiently journeys with me as a friend. It is good for me to be around her. I learn. I grow. I'm equipped and inspired to make good choices. When I have a question about nutrition, she is my go-to girl. She knows me and offers sound advice ... like plant a garden and drink more water:)

NOW...

What If ....

What if we exchanged the food with faith, I wonder if this contrast resembles what some people might think of "Christians".

Perhaps they would say ....

There are so many people who read the Bible and go to church. I know this because they post about it constantly. They post photos, statistics and earnest proclamations of success and happiness.

Some "friends" even send scripture passages and invitations to special church activities.

Honestly, I find this mildly annoying. They don't know what's going on in my life. I'm just a name on their contact list. Since they have no idea about my struggles, their enthusiasm is suspect and their invitation seems offensive. I receive it as this: "Hey! You're obviously not living right! You should try coming to church and see if you can improve yourself."

To the contrary, I have a friend who is a believer in Christ. He is the picture of goodness & health. He prays, reads his Bible, works hard, loves his family and worships with his church. We've been friends for years. Our kids have played together, we've celebrated birthdays, shared weekends, and chatted through many of life's mysteries. I'll admit (and he knows this) that when I started hanging out with him, I thought some of his habits and beliefs were strange. But he is happy and helpful, and I am drawn to his company and conversation.

He is humble and steadfast. I have never once felt ashamed or condemned by my lack of spiritual education or discipline. He spurs me on toward following in the way of Jesus, sets a great example, admits he's not perfect, and patiently journeys with me as a friend. It is good for me to be around him. I learn. I grow. I'm equipped and inspired to make good choices. When I have a question about faith, he is my go-to guy. He knows me and offers sound advice ... like read your Bible and pray:)

"Now that you have purified yourselves by obeying the truth so that you have sincere love for each other, love one another deeply, from the heart. In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven. News about Jesus spread all over . . . and people brought to Him all who were suffering and He healed them." 

1 Peter 1:22

Matthew 5:16

Matthew 4:24

Hat Trick

When I was a homeschooling mom heavily involved in volunteer work and raising babies, it was a challenge to keep everything going. Philip would come home after being gone for 9 or 10 hrs and things looked a whole lot like they did when he left.

My responsibilities were streamlined toward my husband and myself. If we had a super engaging day of learning but I didn't get around to the laundry, inevitably the laundry is what Philip verbally noticed when he came home. Or if I cooked ahead for the week all day long and let the kids play outside and/or help with the laundry, he would innocently ask to see the kids' schoolwork. 

I wore so many hats there was just no way to know.

Eventually, I learned to greet him at the door with a bit of an attendance report. "Hi! The maid worked all morning, the tutor was here all day, the children's choir director popped in during nap time, but the cook never showed up, so we're having frozen pizza." 

That lifestyle was HARD, and I LOVED it. I managed and educated and organized and enjoyed and provided and abided. Some of my favorite verbs.

Now that I work outside our home, and still volunteer while outsourcing most of the formal education, it is hard to keep everything going. I come home after being gone 10 or 11 hours and everything looks about like it did when I left.

I have responsibilities popping in from every direction. Am I on time? Are my kids on time? Do I have good ideas? Do I have my lunch? Do the kids have their homework? Is.it.signed.for.the.love. What about meals? And hygiene? And emotions? Everybody's flipping emotions. Oh, and the dog bless him.

This lifestyle is hard, and there are parts of it that I REALLY love. But I am not great at all the things all the time, and that feels yucky.

So this is me greeting you at the door of my life saying, "Hi. The laundry girl is killing it. The Alumni lady is basically on her game. Meal prep momma is adorable. The girl who walks & drinks water & reads her Bible is showing UP,  y'all. But the housecleaner and homework facilitator are friggin AWOL."

Also, you know what sounds good right now? To pile up all these hats and ask God for grace and a good night's sleep.